Author’s Mature Content Note: “Handsome” contains broad physical and verbal comedy of a mature nature. Since the topic is relationships, there is broad humor focused on sexual situations–in a very silly way. Think screwball comedy–no pun intended. I have rated this story R for sensuality and sexual situations. If you are unable or unwilling to attend a movie with an R rating than please do not read further. That is my disclaimer.
“Handsome” Scene 4-7 End (R rating)
An Original One Act Stage play Copyrighted by Gratiana Lovelace (all rights reserved)
[(1)“Handsome” story graphic, left]
[My dream cast: Images representing Rodger Calendar are of Richard Armitage;
images representing Elaine Marshall are of Julianne Moore]
[The first half of this story posting that appeared Tuesday, January 11th, 2012 and is found at
Story Recap up to this point:
Rodger Calendar is a devilishly handsome British actor. His best friend Elaine Marshall writes romantic scripts. Elaine wants to find love so she has someone to “keep her warm at night”–and to have more material to write about. Rodger has never had to work too hard for romance on or off screen, because “women adore” him. Unbeknownst to Elaine, Rodger cancelled the only date that Elaine was to have in years–with Henry Wakefield–before turning up at her door step this evening to “help her get ready” for her date. Will Elaine ever find love? Will the mischief making Rodger have the tables turned on him? What does the future hold for these two forty somethings? Time, too much booze, towels, and teased hair, will tell the tale.
“Handsome”, Scene 4: Elaine Waits for Wakefield to Pick her Up for their Date
Elaine: “Rodger.” She calls to him in a sing songy voice. “It’s time for you to put your shoes on and leave before my date arrives. It’s bad form to already have one man in my bed–or, on my bed in this case–when another man is expected to arrive.” She says cheekily.
Rodger: “I’ll be out in a minute.” He says putting on his shoes. “I have to piss.”
Elaine impatiently taps her shoe on the hard wood floor of her sitting room area as she leans on the arm of the couch waiting for Rodger to come out of her bedroom.
Elaine: “What are you doing in there, Handsome?” Elaine calls out to Rodger who is still in the bathroom. “Admiring your … profile?” Of course, which ‘profile’ is she referring to?
Rodger: “Wouldn’t you like to know.” Rodger [(3) right] says raising an eyebrow as he walks out of her bedroom in his crisp white dress shirt. “So, where is this wanker Wakefield? I bet he doesn’t show.” He says teasingly. Because Rodger knows Wakefield won’t show since Rodger cancelled Elaine’s date by calling Wakefield earlier.
Elaine: “Rodger, Wakefield is reliable and dependable …”
Rodger: “Elaine, you make him sound like a car battery.” He laughs heartily. “But, I don’t think old Wakefield has any ‘charge’ left in him.”
Elaine: “Oh you.” She pouts. “Weren’t you going on a date yourself, Rodger?”
Rodger: “Eh! She sees me when she sees me.” He says nonchalantly–waving his hand disdainfully.
Elaine: “Well, so much for your Heartthrob status, Handsome. You know Rodger, women aren’t just going to lay down and invite you in—so to speak.”
Rodger: He says laughing, “Well, you did tonight, Elaine—just not in that order.”
Elaine: “Okay, time for you to leave, Handsome.” She says pulling on his arm, unsuccessfully trying to get him to move. “Err.”
Rodger: “You’re really weak, you know Elaine?” He says laughing at her attempts to move him.
Elaine: “Errgg!” Then she tries pushing him from behind, with no success at moving him either. “What are you made of Rodger, granite?”
Rodger: “No, I’m just toned.” He says slowly with a raised eyebrow. “Like I said, I work, I workout, I sleep, that’s all.” Looking at his watch, he says cheekily, “Say, it’s 7:20pm and no Wakefield.”
Elaine: Giving up on trying to get Rodger to leave, she says “Okay Handsome, but if Wakefield arrives while you’re still here, say nothing to him.”
Rodger: “I promise, Elaine. I won’t say anything to Wakefield tonight.” He says raising his eyebrow knowingly—because, of course, Rodger cancelled Elaine’s date with Wakefield this morning. “But, let’s make a bet on it, shall we? If Wakefield shows up by 7:30pm, then I’ll shut up and leave. If he doesn’t, then you take me out to dinner tonight.”
Elaine: “I thought you already had a date tonight, Handsome?” She asks quizzically.
Rodger: “We’re fluid.” He says offhandedly. “If I show up by 8:00pm, then we’ll go out. If not, then she’s on her own.”
Elaine: “Rodger!” She chides him. “It’s no wonder you’re not in a romantic relationship right now.” Elaine says looking at him squinting.
Rodger: “Hey Elaine, I’ve got you as my best friend. We just don’t have sex. Huhhh!” Sighing. “C’est la vie. You can’t have everything.”
Elaine: “Gee thanks, Rodger. You’re a real charmer tonight, Handsome.” She rolls her eyes at him.
Rodger: “Got any munchies while we’re waiting? I’m famished.”
Elaine: “Huhhh!” Sighing. “Your favorite butter crackers are in the kitchen pantry in their usual spot.” She points helpfully while shaking her head.
Rodger: “Yummm.” Rodger growls as he walks over and opens the pantry door and pulls out the cracker and biscuit shelf, picks up the cracker box, and starts noshing on the butter crackers. “Thanks Elaine. These are tasty. But, I don’t want to get crackers crumbs all over my nice dress shirt.” Rodger [(4) right] says taking off his shirt and revealing his bare and muscular arms, shoulders and chest. Then he cheekily does he man poses a bit for Elaine–to test her response to him.
Elaine: Elaine rolls her eyes at him, while secretly enjoying Rodger’s ‘show’. “Well, you could close your mouth when you chew, Handsome.” She says disdainfully while tilting her head and smiling at him impishly—as she also admires his bare muscular chest, arms, and shoulders some more. Of course, Elaine thinks Rodger is handsome—drop dead gorgeous, actually. But who wouldn’t appreciate Rodger’s handsomeness? Maybe a troll or a dwarf, she thinks.
Rodger: “What would be the point in that?” He says purposely talking with his mouthful and spewing cracker crumbs down his front and onto his chest and the crumbs get caught in his growing out chest hair since the last time he waxed as he talks—he’s doing a classic ‘cracker drool take’, something akin to what a ‘drool take’ is for liquids.
Elaine: “Oh that’s attractive!” She says facetiously. Then she looks at the wall clock showing that it’s 7:30pm and asks, Ooh! It’s 7:30pm. Where could Wakefield be?”
Rodger: After putting the cracker box back in the pantry and wiping crackers off his chest, Rodger walks over to Elaine while putting on his dress shirt and says) “Well, so much for Mr. Reliable. I guess you’re buying me dinner tonight, Elaine!” He says raising his eyebrows up and down smiling.
Elaine: “Not on your life, Handsome! I’m all dressed up for someone else to pay for ‘my’ dinner. Can’t you tell?” She asks striking a curvy pose.
Rodger: “Yes, you look ‘very’ nice tonight, Elaine.” He says purposely nonchalantly—while also tucking in his dress shirt. Though Rodger doesn’t feel at all nonchalant about Elaine tonight.
Elaine: “Well, thank you Rodger.” She pouts a bit dejectedly.
Rodger: “Okay Elaine, here’s what I’ll do for you. I’ll take you out to dinner tonight since we’re both dressed up.” He says in a passive aggressive whiny voice as he puts his jacket back on. “But the next dinner’s on you.”
Elaine: “Thanks Rodger.” She sighs forlornly. “You’re a pal.”
So, Rodger and Elaine walk out of her apartment and head out to dinner.
To be continued with Scene 5
“Handsome”, Scene 5: Dinner Saturday Night with Handsome ends with Nitecaps back at Elaine’s flat
There are few great pleasures in life. But one of them is not going to a public restaurant with the most handsome guy on the planet. Elaine watches amusingly at first–and then annoyingly–as a succession of Rodger’s lady fans walk up to their table for his autograph and to chat with him, while ignoring her, of course. Rodger is gracious to everyone—except his ‘date’ for tonight, Elaine. They finally get a moment to themselves over nite caps back at Elaine’s apartment.
Elaine: “Yes, your adoring fans came out in full force tonight, Rodger.” Elaine [(5) right] says sipping her wine with a small pout.
Rodger: “How was I to know they’d be there? It’s not like I asked them to interrupt our date.”
Elaine: “What date? Rodger, you and I are two best friends with no dates—consoling ourselves with each other.”
Rodger: “Ah, … so no benefits?” He asks cheekily.
Elaine: “Oh no! That “train left Victoria Station” a long time ago, Rodger.” She says a bit tipsily.
Rodger: “Come again? I don’t understand some of your Yank phrases sometimes, Elaine.”
Elaine: “’Leaving the station’ means that the possibility of you and I ‘dating’—or anything else—was over a long time.”
Rodger: “Huhh! He sighs. “That’s a pity, you actually don’t look half bad tonight, Elaine.” He says leaning in to her tipsily.
Elaine: “Gee, thanks Handsome. You’re so sweet with your compliments.” She says rolling her eyes while gently pushing him back from her. “But I think you better stop with the white wines or you won’t be able to stand up and walk home.”
Rodger: “Well, I can always crash here at your place, Elaine.”
Elaine: “Just what I need, a drunken heartthrob on my couch.” She pouts cutely, thinks Rodger.
Rodger: “I’ll be good.” He smiles saucily. “Besides, you know I’m prepared.” He says tipsily as he pulls his condom packages out of his pants pocket.
Elaine: “Oh Rodger, put those away!” She says in an exasperated tone. “Anyway, you’re too drunk to ‘perform’, I’m sure.”
Rodger: “Care to give that a go, Elaine Love?” He says with his eyes perking up and gleaming as he leans in to her again.
Elaine: “Rodger, you’re my best friend and I wouldn’t take advantage of you in your inebriated state …” She says pushing him back away from her again. “… or in my inebriated state.”
Rodger: “What are friends for, Elaine? Go ahead, take advantage of me. I won’t mind.” He says cheekily, then he lays down on the couch—after which, he promptly falls asleep and he begins to snore.
Elaine: “So much for romance.” Elaine says sarcastically while shaking her head forlornly and rolling her eyes.
Elaine does end up letting Rodger lay on her couch to sleep it off for the night as she considerately covers his snoring body with a blanket throw. Afterall, she is his best friend.
To be continued with Scene 6
“Handsome”, Scene 6: The Next Morning–There’s a Man in Elaine’s Bed
Elaine wakes up in bed early Sunday morning feeling slightly hung over. She hasn’t had that much wine—two glasses in one night, let alone in one year—for a long time. She’s still very sleepy. But, she has to pee. So she starts to get out of bed and realizes that she’s naked. That’s ‘odd’ for her since she always wears a nightgown to bed. So, she looks to her left to see if her nightgown is under the other pillow. But she can’t check the pillow because a head is lying there.
Rodger: “Aahh!: He screams because her screams woke him up. Then he sees what looks like his possibly naked best friend Elaine lying next to him and he screams in astonishment again. “Aahh!”
Elaine: Holding the bed sheet tightly to her body, she asks “Rodger, what the heck are you doing here?”
Rodger: “Oh bloody hell, Elaine, I was sleeping until you woke me up.” He says sleepily. “What are you doing in my bed? And why are you starkers?” He asks obtusely–and not very chivalrously.
Elaine: “Rodger, this isn’t ‘your’ bed, this is ‘my’ bed. And I repeat, what are you doing in here?”
Rodger: “Sleeping?” He responds slowly. Then he looks perplexed and raises the sheet to look under it at his body. “Uh huh.” He says in realization.
Elaine: “Don’t do that!” Elaine says tightly holding down the perimeter of bed sheet covering her body.
Rodger: Rodger looks over at the night stand next to his left and sees an open condom package. “Well, Elaine, I guess we’re best friends … ‘with benefits’ now.” He says tilting his head and smiling at her cheekily as he leans back on his elbows–showing off his muscular chest, arms, and shoulders to great advantage. Then he rocks his head back in laughter.
Elaine: “What do you mean?” She asks half whining, half crying.
Rodger: “Well, I’m just going by the evidence at hand—so to speak …” Then he says pointing and gesturing. “… an open condom package, a condom on me, you’ve got bed head, and we’re both starkers.”
Elaine: “Oh God!” Elaine wails whiningly. Then her eyes widen as she asks fretfully. “Which condom?”
Rodger: “I think it was the Lovers’ Delight.” He smiles impishly.
Elaine: “Eew!” Elaine covers her mouth with both of her hands in shock.
Rodger: “Nooo, I’m just kidding, Elaine.” He rocks his head back in laughter again. “It was just the lubricated condom.” Then Rodger says huskily while raising his eyebrows up and down suggestively as he leans toward Elaine. “So, we still have the other condoms to look forward to.”
Elaine: “I could die right now!” She says in a mortified wailing whine as she sits up leaning against her bent knees—meaning her bare back is exposed to Rodger.
Rodger: “I wasn’t ‘that’ bad was I, Elaine?” He says running his hand down her bare back.
Elaine: “Rodger, I don’t remember a thing.” Elaine says arching her back at Rodger’s intimate caress. “Maybe we didn’t do anything. Don’t you think I’d remember making love with you, Handsome?”
Rodger: “Well, I would hope so, Elaine.” He says with his eyes wide. “Though, … come to think of it, … I don’t remember shagging either. … But, again, I say, the evidence suggests that we did.”
Elaine: “Oh crap!” Then she wails. “I’ve bedded “England’s Heartthrob” … but I don’t remember it!” She wails. “God is punishing me!”
Rodger: “Which part, Elaine? … The bedding me part, or the not remembering it part?” He gestures amusingly to his lap hidden under the sheet and then gestures to his head.
Elaine: “Both! Then she whines and wails forlornly. “And, I have to pee.” She wails.
Rodger: Rocking his head back in laughter again, he says, “You go ahead in the bathroom, Elaine. I’ll wait my turn.”
Elaine: “But, I need my nightgown–or something to put on–before I can get out of this bed.”
Rodger: “Don’t bother on my account.” He says gesturing to the bathroom with a smile.
Elaine: “Rodger, you’re in best friend deep doo doo right now. So don’t mess with me, Handsome.”
Rodger: “I think I already did, Elaine!” He says animatedly while smiling cheekily.
Elaine: “Oh God!” She wails again. “Rodger, look under your pillow and see if my nightgown is there.”
Rodger: Pulling out the nightgown and holding it out to her, he says, “Here it is.” Elaine grabs for the nightgown, but Rodger pulls it away from her and asks playfully raising his eyebrows up and down. “Not so fast, Elaine. What do I get, if I give you your nightgown?” He asks tantalizingly. “Come on now and give us a kiss, love.”
Elaine: “How about, I won’t pee on you.” Then she says pleadingly. “Now, give me my nightgown.”
Rodger: “Works for me.” Rodger blanches and he hands over Elaine’s nightgown to her.
Now, Elaine has to figure out how to get her nightgown on her body without revealing her body to Rodger. Not an easy feat when you’re lying naked in bed under the covers together.
Elaine: “Rodger, turn away so I can put my nightgown on.”
Rodger: “Not a chance. This is priceless!” He says raising his eyebrows and smilingly suggestively–savoring the moment.
Elaine: “Rodger, I have to pee now! Turn around!”
Rodger turns away from Elaine in the bed by lying on his back and turning his head away from her. Then, Elaine lies down and pulls the bed sheet up over her head. She puts her nightgown over her head and puts her arms through the sleeves, then she pulls the nightgown down her body. Of course while Elaine is doing all this under the bed sheet, she isn’t paying attention to Rodger–who has turned toward her and put his head under the bed sheet. Rodger is watching Elaine’s little ‘under the bed sheet reverse Houdini’–with Elaine putting on her nightgown—and he’s smiling quite broadly.
Rodger: When Elaine is done putting her nightgown on, Rodger says enthusiastically with his head also still under the bed sheet. “Nice body, Elaine. No wonder I ended up in bed with you.”
Elaine: “Ahhhhh!” Elaine screams and hops out of bed and runs to the bathroom—screaming the whole way–and closes and locks its door as Rodger howls with laughter. Elaine sits on the toilet dejectedly and pees—with her head in her hands.
To be continued with Scene 7
“Handsome”, Scene 7: Elaine’s Acute Embarrassment only Increases as She Realizes that She and Rodger Really Did Make Love
Rodger stands up from the bed—taking a pillow to cover himself with—and he walks over to the closed bathroom door. Then Elaine hears some scratching at the bathroom door.
Rodger: Rodger makes three scratches with his nails on the bathroom door–scratch, scratch, scratch. Then he says in a sing songy voice. “Elaine,” scratch, scratch, scratch “let me in.” scratch, scratch “I’ve got to piss, too.” scratch scratch … Then he says huskily while grinning broadly, though no one can see him. “Then we can work through some more of my condoms.”
Elaine: “Uhh! Can’t I have a little privacy in my own bathroom?” She whines to her closed and locked bathroom door. Then she finishes peeing, wipes, flushes, and stands then washes her hands and brushes her teeth. Of course, Elaine also had ‘evidence’ that some funny business had gone on. Opening the bathroom door suddenly, Elaine says, “Okay Handsome, your turn!”
Rodger: “Thanks Elaine. I think I will. Here’s your pillow, by the way.” He says thrusting the pillow into her hand after removing it from in front of his condom clad privates.
Elaine: “Eew Rodger! Now I’ll have to wash my nice pillow sham.” She whines.
Rodger: Then, as Rodger walks into, and Elaine walks out of the bathroom—with Rodger still naked and wearing his condom—he plants a smooch on Elaine’s lips that startles her. “Hmmm.” He growls.
Rodger: Then Rodger says lustfully. “I’ll be back in a minute, Elaine Love.”
Elaine walks past Rodger and not looking at him, ‘down there’—still with her mouth open from their smooch–and he turns around and pats and grabs one of her backside cheeks through her nightgown. This also startles Elaine again.
Elaine: She turns back toward Rodger and says petulantly, “Watch it, Handsome! You’ll find a towel in there that you can put on before you come back out.”
Rodger: “Right.” Rodger removes the condom, pees, flushes, then washes up and brushes his teeth.”
Elaine: Elaine carefully removes the pillow sham from the pillow by the corners—trying not to touch the pillow too much since it had just been held in front of Rodger’s condom clad privates. Then she drops the pillow sham on the floor in a heap. “Eeww!”
Rodger: Rodger grabs a towel as Elaine suggested and he walks out into her bedroom again. “ Here I am!”
Elaine: Still standing in her bedroom looking at herself forlornly in the mirror—wondering what fresh hell she’s in now—Elaine turns around to see Rodger standing at the bedroom door from the bathroom with his towel. But he has the towel draped over his arm, in front of him—like a waiter—partially covering his abdomen and his privates, but not his hips and backside. “Rodger, I meant for you to put the towel ‘on’ yourself.” She says rolling her eyes and shaking her head at him.
Rodger: “Oh right.” He whips the towel off of his arm and wraps it around his lower body. “Here we go.’
Of course, though she quickly tries to shut her eyes, Elaine gets an ‘eyeful’ of Rodger’s manliness in the process.
Elaine: “Oh Dear!” Elaine sighs and puts her hand on her cheek while not being able to stop herself from staring in the direction of Rodger’s now towel covered privates. “You’d think I’d remember ‘that’.” She says with her mouth still open.
Rodger: “Thank you!” He says pleased with himself. “I’ll take that as a compliment, Elaine Love.” Rodger saunters over to Elaine and embraces her warmly as he tenderly kisses her on her lips. But, Elaine is still tense in his arms. “Elaine Darling, you’ve got to loosen up. We’ve already broken the ice with our lovemaking last night–even if we can’t remember it.” He says rolling his gleaming eyes. “So, no need to be shy now.” He says impishly while smiling broadly and raising his eyebrow.
Elaine: “Rodger, I’m still not sure that we did anything last night.” She says uncertainly–and hopefully–though she ‘knows’ it to be the opposite.
Rodger: “Oh really, Elaine? He asks her quizzically—given the evidence to the contrary—as he pats her teased ‘bed head’ hair. Then he asks slowly. “Have you found your panties yet?”
Elaine: “No!” She whines while shaking her head no forlornly. “Okay, I’m sure.” Elaine embarrassedly looks up at her best friend Rodger and she starts wailing again. “We did it, Handsome!” She says nodding her head while mock crying—that yes, they did make love. Then Elaine says whining and wailing again “… Oh God! But, I don’t remember it!”
Rodger: Rodger smiles mischievously at Elaine, he tenderly kisses her cheek. “Don’t worry, Elaine Love.” Rodger says whipping off his towel and dropping it on the floor as Elaine gasps—his muscular backside now naked for her to see in her bedroom dresser mirror behind him and in front of her. Then he says in a low growl while raising his eyebrows suggestively at her, “You will!”
Rodger enfolds Elaine tenderly in his muscular arms and they kiss passionately for several minutes. And then the stage lights go dark as Rodger and Elaine go back to bed to make love again–memorably this time.
The moral of this story is: Be conscious when you bed “England’s Heartthrob”. You’ll want to remember it!
(1) “Handsome” story logo consists of a cropped image of Richard Armitage’s blue shirt clad chest. found at http://www.richardarmitagenet.com/images/gallery/Richard/Promos/2010Promo/album/slides/Apr2010-McGorty-04.html and composited with Playbill text.
(2) Image of Julianne Moore representing Elaine was found at http://inyourface.ocregister.com/files/2008/11/julianne-moore-091608-450p.jpg
(3) Image of Richard Armitage in a white shirt representing Rodger was found at http://www.richardarmitagenet.com/images/gallery/Richard/Promos/2009%20Promo/slides/NewHeadshotwhiteshirt.html
(4) Image of Richard Armitage with his chest bared was found at
(5) Image of Julianne Moore representing Elaine was found at
(6) Image of Richard Armitage sleeping from Cold Feet (2003) was found at