Open and Loving Communication, 2/15/12 Gratiana Lovelace (Post #130)


Blogger’s Note:  I originally wrote this essay in mid-September 2011–ninety three posts ago.  But I “sat on it”, worried that I would be revealing too much.  Afterall, I like to think of myself as a lady. I am a lady.   And ladies don’t talk about things like the fact that they are married–in every sense of that word.  Right?   But after my three part series on Flirtation to Frission (Post #34abc)–let alone my sensuous love poems–I can’t claim shyness, and get away with it. Ha!   So, this essay contains some more honesty on my part as I embrace my womanhood.  Though, I publish this essay squinting my eyes, as if wincing would make me feel less nervous about sharing these musings with you.  Ha!  And may I say again as a disclaimer, I am no expert in love or lovemaking.  I am just sharing my observations. 

After the usual medical and life history exchange, pelvic exam, and pap at my annual OBGYN visit last August, I revealed joyfully again that after 22 years of marriage–23 years as a couple–my hubby and I are still like eager lovers on our honeymoon.  Smiling bemusedly, my gynecologist said that “We need to bottle what you’ve got.”  Then she asked me how I kept the romantic love alive with my husband?  I smiled knowingly and demurely with a slightly raised eyebrow.   My doctor then said with an expression on her face as serious as a heart attack, “I’m really asking.  There are people who want to know.”  She actually said that, folks.  Honest.  Ha!   Honored to be asked for advice by a medical professional in women’s reproductive health, I replied somewhat pithily:  “It’s the three L’s–love, lingerie, and lubricating jelly.”  Though in truth, we usually dispense with the second item in that list because lingerie just gets in the way.  See?  I love the alliteration and saucy humor there.  I just hope that no one I actually know in real life (not my virtual life) reads this particular post.  Ha!  [Grati types embarrassedly.]

Are you shocked?   I am, a little–at myself.  Ha!  And if this post manages to make it into my blog–it has now– I’m sure I will later jokingly refer to it as my Cosmo Girl Trip post.  I don’t actually “read” Cosmopolitan–except when I’m at the hair salon four times a year.  And then I make a beeline for it.  I admit to this sheepishly because most of what I’ve read  in the few issues of Cosmo that I’ve perused runs the gamut from  technical information–a users manual  about making love (having sex)–to everything leading up to using that technical information about making love (having sex), most educational.  See the picture of the cover of the September 2011 issue [(2) right] with a “Sex Tips” article title that has the largest font size and bolded.  I actually read part of this issue at my Fall hair styling appointment.  And, I’ll admit that for some, Cosmo is probably a great learning tool if you don’t have girl friends to chat with online or husbands to share intimate conversations with.  [A disclaimer, I in no way endorse, nor do I disapprove of the magazine Cosmopolitan.  I’m neutral.  That is, except when I read it–then I’m an avid reader, eager to learn.  Ha!]

I will also tell you what I told my OBGYN, “open communication between two lovers is a key ingredient in a developing, nurturing, and sustaining a loving romantic relationship”.  And what guy wouldn’t want to be considered a great lover  [(3) right], who gives his lover joy and pleasure?  But he’s not psychic about your needs and wishes–nor are you psychic about his needs wishes.  So you have to share them with each other.  But your lover doesn’t necessarily want or need a technical critique of his love making prowess just before, during, or right after your love making–or ever.  In general, I’ve found that–like what most psychologists espouse as a general rule in changing behaviors–positive reinforcement works best with your lover.  So instead of “critiquing” him about what he’s doing “wrong”, focus on what your lover does “well” or what he does that particularly “inspires” you.  Let him know your appreciation for that, and build from there.    And don’t give up if it takes you and your lover a while to get into a loving groove.  I read somewhere that it takes 19 times to change a habit.  Just remember, practice makes purrrrrfect.

And as I’ve already mentioned previously in my “Late Bloomers for Love Can and Do Bloom” post #2  ( ) and with my Flirtation to Frission Series  posts #34abc ( ), etc. having a loving romantic relationship begins hours and even days in advance of wanting to make love with each other–by being caring and considerate with each other. Do you make time for you and your lover and don’t let anyone–work, girlfriends, or the lure of a writing a great blog post–get in your way of being frisky?  Always keep you and your love partner the priority in each others’ lives.  And don’t forget about the small and sometimes shy intimacies you can share with each other:  the simple touch of clasped hands and tickling their inside palm; a love note with dozens of “X’s”/kisses and “O’s”/hugs sprawled across it; a single rose or small bouquet of wildflowers are all lovely gifts between lovers.  Because the amount of money expended never measures the value of a relationship.  He can butter us up in other ways–such as him loading the dishwasher so you don’t have to, him making sure he has bathed and shaved before we make love, and sans apparel cuddling and kissing whenever possible, etc.    Okay, I was being coy there.  Bare naked cuddling is the best!  Well, second best.  Ha!   See my poem about that titled “For My Skin, Needs Your Skin” (      There is no greater aphrodisiac than tenderness and consideration shared between two lovers–day in and day out.

You must be asking yourselves at this point, “what makes Gratiana an expert on love making?”  I’m not an expert.  I just know what works for me.  And I should further admit once again that my hubby is–and has been–my only lover.  So I don’t have “comparison statistics”.  But hey, I don’t need any with our loving relationship.    I’m a very happy and blessed lady.  And yes, I think having girlfriends you can share frank discussions with now and again is helpful.  But don’t let them–or Cosmo’s great sex fantasies–rule your life.  One doesn’t need to swing from a trapeze, or don costumes (that just get in the way), etc., to enjoy lovemaking with your partner.   Take these well meaning suggestions–including this blog essay–and put them in the proper perspective within the context of your own life and experiences.  The main person you should be talking with is your love partner.  Or better yet, whisper to each other.  Whispering sweet nothings into their ear as you nibble on it is not nothing.  Express your love for them or address your lover by a favorite endearment as part of your private ways of communicating with one another.  And whispering has the effect of making what you’re saying  seem even more intimate and seductive-­-that is, if you’re using words at a particular moment.  Ha!  So remember that talk/communication is never cheap, and whispers are golden.  And though we just had Valentine’s Day–when Eve Ensler’s “Vagina Monologues” [(4)] are often performed–I might suggest that instead of a monologue, work on a dialogue of lovemaking between you and your lover.

P.S.  And just for fun–and general edification–here is a new first video production by Jas Rangoon that further cements Richard Armitage’s swoonworthy romantic reputation titled “Kissing ChaRActers” [(5) below]:


(1)     Gratiana Lovelace Love Story  Signature uses British actor Richard Armitage portrait and character images (also with British actress Daniella Denby-Ashe) courtesy of ; the quill & inkwell and rose are courtesy of MSOffice Clip Art again

(2)      Cosmopolitan Magazine, September 2011 issue.

(3)     Cropped image of John Thornton (as portrayed by British actor Richard Armitage) kissing Margaret Hale (as portrayed by British actress Daniella Denby-Ashe) in the 2004 BBC production of Elizabeth Gaskell’s North & South was found at ;  Of course, I don’t know definitively that Richard Armitage is a “great lover”–he keeps his private life private, discreet gentleman that he is.  I’m just giving Mr. Armitage the benefit of the doubt based on his several character portrayals where romance was involved.  Sighhhhh!

(4)     “Vagina Monologues” by Eve Ensler is profiled at

(5)  “Kissing ChaRActers” a new video by new videographer and Me, My Thoughts, and Richard Armitage blogger Jas Rangoon found at

(6)     Note Bene:   The cupid and rose graphics were courtesy of MSOffice Clip Art found at


About Gratiana Lovelace

Gratiana Lovelace is my nom de plume for my creative writing and blogging. I write romantic stories in different sub genres. The stories just tumble out of me. My resurgence in creative writing occurred when I viewed the BBC miniseries of Elizabeth Gaskell's novel North & South in February 2010. The exquisitely talented British actor portraying the male lead John Thornton in North & South--Richard Crispin Armitage--became my unofficial muse. I have written over 50 script stories about love--some are fan fiction, but most are original stories--that I am just beginning to share with others on private writer sites, and here on my blog. And as you know, my blog here is also relatively new--since August 2011. But, I'm having fun and I hope you enjoy reading my blog essays and my stories. Cheers! Grati ;-> upd 12/18/11
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4 Responses to Open and Loving Communication, 2/15/12 Gratiana Lovelace (Post #130)

  1. Fabi says:

    Good morning Grati,
    You could send this essay to the doctor, so she would know the full answer. :)
    I wish all the couples were so happy. I found “the lid of my pan” too! Once I told my hubby that I’d get a Kama Sutra book to spice up things, but he smiled and said: “It isn’t necessary, all I need is you here with me every day of my life.” <3 <3
    To me, romantic movies and books are important inspiring sources, but when I'm with my beloved, it's as if only we exist in the entire world.


    • Good morning Fabi,
      Thanks for your nice note and perspective. I’m glad I’m not alone in finding my perfect romantic match. My and my hubby’s long courtship was the key to us getting to know one another thoroughly before we became intimate. I was a virgin and we had a slow and sensuous two month seduction–until I knew being with him intimately was right and he was “the one”. I didn’t settle and neither should anyone else.

      And though I haven’t seen or read the Kama Sutra book, the History Channel sometimes has documentaries about it. Whatever works for people–who might be more limber than I. Ha! But, like I said, gimmicks–or contorted positions–in lovemaking aren’t necessary when you’re in a loving relationship. But whatever loving that two consenting adults do mutually is their right and their joy.

      And I love your last statement, “but when I’m with my beloved, it’s as if only we exist in the entire world.” Well said.

      Cheers! Grati ;->


  2. Kitty says:

    Great essay, Grati. You know from some of my previous comments that I am a Christ follower. He is the only Son of our Creator God. I attribute the glorious satisfaction of what goes on in our bedroom to my Creator who gave me these needs, these sensations when those needs are fulfilled. Paul advised, in his letter the the Ephesians, that husbands ought to love their wives like Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it and that wives should respect their husbands. For my Prince & me, these instructions, when carried out, result in the kind of lurve that makes our adult children go, “Ewwwww, Mama! (they think we’ve only ever “done it” twice). Paul also said in Ephesians that the marriage bed is sacred (oh, how I can worship and be thankful to Creator God in that sacred place). But in the words of Charlie Rich, “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors” is the rest of Paul’s advice that the marriage bed is undefiled, meaning (IMHO) that I shouldn’t explicitly discuss the intimacy that my Prince & I share. I like how you allude to your love without revealing the specifics. What a blessing that after all my years w/ my Prince, we still have a deep desire to love one another.


    • Hi Kitty,
      Great comment! Yes, I “hint” at my sensual sensibilities in my essays, stories, and my poems. Love with our beloved is wonderful and joyous–and something we celebrate privately, as one does a precious gift. Trust and discretion are key features of lovemaking. Besides, we don’t need to make others jealous. Ha!

      And just as my gal pals (you included) kindly share their thoughts with me, I also share my perspectives about love with them and others when we chat and here on my blog. Hence the name of my blog: “Something About Love”. Ha!

      And kudos to you and your hubby for keeping your love and desire for each other alive and flourishing. That’s great! Like I tell my hubby, I hope we love each other joyously until we fall out of our side by side rocking chairs forty years from now. Ha!

      Cheers! Grati ;->
      P.S. Giggles on your kids thinking that you and your hubby have only “loved” each other twice. I’m guessing you have two kids? Ha!


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