Blogger’s Note: I originally wrote this essay in mid-September 2011–ninety three posts ago. But I “sat on it”, worried that I would be revealing too much. Afterall, I like to think of myself as a lady. I am a lady. And ladies don’t talk about things like the fact that they are married–in every sense of that word. Right? But after my three part series on Flirtation to Frission (Post #34abc)–let alone my sensuous love poems–I can’t claim shyness, and get away with it. Ha! So, this essay contains some more honesty on my part as I embrace my womanhood. Though, I publish this essay squinting my eyes, as if wincing would make me feel less nervous about sharing these musings with you. Ha! And may I say again as a disclaimer, I am no expert in love or lovemaking. I am just sharing my observations.
After the usual medical and life history exchange, pelvic exam, and pap at my annual OBGYN visit last August, I revealed joyfully again that after 22 years of marriage–23 years as a couple–my hubby and I are still like eager lovers on our honeymoon. Smiling bemusedly, my gynecologist said that “We need to bottle what you’ve got.” Then she asked me how I kept the romantic love alive with my husband? I smiled knowingly and demurely with a slightly raised eyebrow. My doctor then said with an expression on her face as serious as a heart attack, “I’m really asking. There are people who want to know.” She actually said that, folks. Honest. Ha! Honored to be asked for advice by a medical professional in women’s reproductive health, I replied somewhat pithily: “It’s the three L’s–love, lingerie, and lubricating jelly.” Though in truth, we usually dispense with the second item in that list because lingerie just gets in the way. See? I love the alliteration and saucy humor there. I just hope that no one I actually know in real life (not my virtual life) reads this particular post. Ha! [Grati types embarrassedly.]
Are you shocked? I am, a little–at myself. Ha! And if this post manages to make it into my blog–it has now– I’m sure I will later jokingly refer to it as my Cosmo Girl Trip post. I don’t actually “read” Cosmopolitan–except when I’m at the hair salon four times a year. And then I make a beeline for it. I admit to this sheepishly because most of what I’ve read in the few issues of Cosmo that I’ve perused runs the gamut from technical information–a users manual about making love (having sex)–to everything leading up to using that technical information about making love (having sex), most educational. See the picture of the cover of the September 2011 issue [(2) right] with a “Sex Tips” article title that has the largest font size and bolded. I actually read part of this issue at my Fall hair styling appointment. And, I’ll admit that for some, Cosmo is probably a great learning tool if you don’t have girl friends to chat with online or husbands to share intimate conversations with. [A disclaimer, I in no way endorse, nor do I disapprove of the magazine Cosmopolitan. I’m neutral. That is, except when I read it–then I’m an avid reader, eager to learn. Ha!]
I will also tell you what I told my OBGYN, “open communication between two lovers is a key ingredient in a developing, nurturing, and sustaining a loving romantic relationship”. And what guy wouldn’t want to be considered a great lover [(3) right], who gives his lover joy and pleasure? But he’s not psychic about your needs and wishes–nor are you psychic about his needs wishes. So you have to share them with each other. But your lover doesn’t necessarily want or need a technical critique of his love making prowess just before, during, or right after your love making–or ever. In general, I’ve found that–like what most psychologists espouse as a general rule in changing behaviors–positive reinforcement works best with your lover. So instead of “critiquing” him about what he’s doing “wrong”, focus on what your lover does “well” or what he does that particularly “inspires” you. Let him know your appreciation for that, and build from there. And don’t give up if it takes you and your lover a while to get into a loving groove. I read somewhere that it takes 19 times to change a habit. Just remember, practice makes purrrrrfect.
And as I’ve already mentioned previously in my “Late Bloomers for Love Can and Do Bloom” post #2 (https://gratianads90.wordpress.com/2011/08/27/late-bloomers-for-love-can-and-do-bloom-82711/ ) and with my Flirtation to Frission Series posts #34abc (https://gratianads90.wordpress.com/2011/10/17/from-flirtation-to-frission-part-3-of-3-gratianas-relational-intimacy-tips-flirting-101-101711-gratianads90-post-34c/ ), etc. having a loving romantic relationship begins hours and even days in advance of wanting to make love with each other–by being caring and considerate with each other. Do you make time for you and your lover and don’t let anyone–work, girlfriends, or the lure of a writing a great blog post–get in your way of being frisky? Always keep you and your love partner the priority in each others’ lives. And don’t forget about the small and sometimes shy intimacies you can share with each other: the simple touch of clasped hands and tickling their inside palm; a love note with dozens of “X’s”/kisses and “O’s”/hugs sprawled across it; a single rose or small bouquet of wildflowers are all lovely gifts between lovers. Because the amount of money expended never measures the value of a relationship. He can butter us up in other ways–such as him loading the dishwasher so you don’t have to, him making sure he has bathed and shaved before we make love, and sans apparel cuddling and kissing whenever possible, etc. Okay, I was being coy there. Bare naked cuddling is the best! Well, second best. Ha! See my poem about that titled “For My Skin, Needs Your Skin” (https://gratianads90.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/for-my-skin-needs-your-skin-a-poem-11712-gratiana-lovelace-post-106/). There is no greater aphrodisiac than tenderness and consideration shared between two lovers–day in and day out.
You must be asking yourselves at this point, “what makes Gratiana an expert on love making?” I’m not an expert. I just know what works for me. And I should further admit once again that my hubby is–and has been–my only lover. So I don’t have “comparison statistics”. But hey, I don’t need any with our loving relationship. I’m a very happy and blessed lady. And yes, I think having girlfriends you can share frank discussions with now and again is helpful. But don’t let them–or Cosmo’s great sex fantasies–rule your life. One doesn’t need to swing from a trapeze, or don costumes (that just get in the way), etc., to enjoy lovemaking with your partner. Take these well meaning suggestions–including this blog essay–and put them in the proper perspective within the context of your own life and experiences. The main person you should be talking with is your love partner. Or better yet, whisper to each other. Whispering sweet nothings into their ear as you nibble on it is not nothing. Express your love for them or address your lover by a favorite endearment as part of your private ways of communicating with one another. And whispering has the effect of making what you’re saying seem even more intimate and seductive--that is, if you’re using words at a particular moment. Ha! So remember that talk/communication is never cheap, and whispers are golden. And though we just had Valentine’s Day–when Eve Ensler’s “Vagina Monologues” [(4)] are often performed–I might suggest that instead of a monologue, work on a dialogue of lovemaking between you and your lover.
P.S. And just for fun–and general edification–here is a new first video production by Jas Rangoon that further cements Richard Armitage’s swoonworthy romantic reputation titled “Kissing ChaRActers” [(5) below]:
(1) Gratiana Lovelace Love Story Signature uses British actor Richard Armitage portrait and character images (also with British actress Daniella Denby-Ashe) courtesy of www.RichardArmitageNet.com ; the quill & inkwell and rose are courtesy of MSOffice Clip Art again http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/?CTT=97
(2) Cosmopolitan Magazine, September 2011 issue.
(3) Cropped image of John Thornton (as portrayed by British actor Richard Armitage) kissing Margaret Hale (as portrayed by British actress Daniella Denby-Ashe) in the 2004 BBC production of Elizabeth Gaskell’s North & South was found at http://www.richardarmitagenet.com/images/gallery/nands/album/episode4/slides/ns4-340.html ; Of course, I don’t know definitively that Richard Armitage is a “great lover”–he keeps his private life private, discreet gentleman that he is. I’m just giving Mr. Armitage the benefit of the doubt based on his several character portrayals where romance was involved. Sighhhhh!
(4) “Vagina Monologues” by Eve Ensler is profiled at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Vagina_Monologues
(5) “Kissing ChaRActers” a new video by new videographer and Me, My Thoughts, and Richard Armitage blogger Jas Rangoon found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCmpDShSAoc&feature=player_embedded
(6) Note Bene: The cupid and rose graphics were courtesy of MSOffice Clip Art found at http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/?CTT=97