Thorin Thursday: Middle Earth Meets Modern Day Quest Planning, April 18, 2013 Gratiana Lovelace (Post #399)

In our modern day world, how might Thorin Oakenshield assemble his team of associates for his quest in The Hobbit (right)?  He would probably place an online ad containing the following pertinent information.  *facetious alert for what follows*

WANTED:  Individuals for several open positions related to a Top Secret search and recovery mission, code named Erebor Quest.
(N.B. Top Secret is not to be confused with Victoria’s Secret.  The former is eyes only, whereas the latter has eyes bugging out of your  head–but wings are involved in both.)

Job Title:  Erebor Quest Associate (EQA)

EQA Position reports to:  Erebor Quest Leader (EQL, but there is definitely nothing sweet about this man) is Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, House of Durin in Exile;  and as portrayed by Richard Armitage, Thorin Oakenshield (right, with his weapon conveniently named) is one fiercely regal warrior king  (The Hobbit, who?);

EQA Job Qualifications:
1.  Ability to withstand harsh living conditions–the job entails living off the land for months, or even years at a time;  toileting issues abound requiring patience and squeezing; bathing is infrequent (being dirty and smelly are the norm, cliff, or frasier), except while rolling around in barrels in water rapids; food might be green and without meat or seasoning, but the  wine will have a fruity bouquet; bring your own sleeping sack for earthen conditions (watch out for trap doors in caves);

2.  Weapons Training–it is preferable that you bring your own weapon with you, sharpened of course, very likely named (the bigger, the better,  Kkhhh *cough*); Orcrist (right) , the Goblin cleaver is one such sword; but if you do not have a weapon, we might find something for you in a troll cave along the way;  and even letter openers (see below) can do some damage, even in the hands of an amateur (at least Bilbo did not rest on his took-us);

“Letter Opener” – The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey – Available March 19 in a video by WarnerBrosOnline

3.  Uniform–leather, fur, velvet, and chain mail from the House of Durin are the current mode; don’t forget your handkerchief, there is not a traveling market place  in the wilderness for necessities; a modicum of undergarments are preferred at all times since leather chafes; yet you should take care to wear moria than just undergarments if you don’t want to be left in a dark cave riddled with insects (among other things); if you wear shoes, heavy steel tipped boots are suggested (because they make you look bad-ass, rather than Dopey); a moria battle ready looking group of guys (below) you will not find:

4. Personal Appearance Grooming–hair and makeup for the metro-sexual EQA that typically requires two to three hours and a personal assistant to achieve your look, will not be frowned up;  in fact, with forehead and beard prosthetics, it may be difficult to frown without motion capture and CGI adding them in; hair and beard adornments  and accessories may include bands, bangles, beads, braids, embedded axe head, hearing horns, and hats;  for hair and beard curl and wave styling, hair dryers, hot rollers, and curling irons will be needed (you will need solar powered devices since electrical plug in stations are few and far between, unless a wizard is around to provide some juice); hair is preferred on all skin surfaces, you need not wax;

5.  Overall Health and Fitness–Anything goes as long as you can run back and forth between two rock outcroppings (right) like an Orc with its head cut off, slide down a dirt shoot like a pinball, and not injure your back if furniture breaks underneath you; agility in washing dishes is a plus (perhaps some juggling skills would be pertinent, so circus experience is a plus); you should have your shots (of ale before you stupidly sign the quest contract, below) and your tubes cleaned out in the end (it is the Moviprep that gets you on that one);  if you smoke, we won’t ask and won’t tell what it is you are smoking (but mushrooms are plentiful in the Green Woods); you should not be allergic to ponies, yak hair, and talc powder (keep your mouth closed when assisting hoof and boot removals, don’t ask);

“Give Him The Contract” – The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey – Available March 19” in a video by WarnerBrosOnline

6.  Temperament–Play follow the leader on this one; if Thorin is having a bad day (right), so is everyone else; and when the man wants to do karaoke, you hum along gamefully;  and when Thorin isn’t with you, you can switch over to drinking songs while you toss your host’s crockery around; it also helps to have a magic ring that can make you invisible to sneak up on your colleagues (but then, you are likely to find out what they really think about you);  be sure to have your reason for wanting this position thought out ahead of time in case you are asked “Why did you come?” on this quest;

7.  Survival Experience–On our journey we will come across, Spiders, Wargs, Orcs, Trolls, and all manner of beasts (including a dragon) and other nefarious species (Elves); there is a White Council elected at large (with hanging chad tatums, no doubt), and therefore they are responsible to no one but their flat iron stylist;  you should also have an insurance policy for unexpected outcomes in case you will not be under your own steam to get there and back again, urn not included (see contract video above again);

Special Concerns:
Do not be alarmed if there is a ringer in your group named Gandalf the Gray (right, courtesy of imgur.com) who often leaves in a huff (afterall, he is well over 70, er, make that well over 700 years old after all) only returning there and back again in the nick of time to save the day with a rim shot, boulder break, flame out (no comment) in the goblin cave, and a butterfly message to the eagles (not to be confused with Don Henly and the Eagles singing Hotel California, the music is definitely witchy, so Gandalf will probably like it);

Remuneration and Compensation:
1/x (with x defined as the number of EQA Dwarfonnel plus one (with the  “plus one” in the person of Thorin Oakenshield, and it is not to be confused with invitation etiquette, guests are not wanted, at least by Bilbo, except when he has met them first); there is the possibility of claim jumpers from Laketown and Rivendale; leakage (in terms of the ten finger discount, not the running out of patience and can’t squeeze anymore kind) is also possible when precious gems and arkenstones are involved;  the chance of actually finding and recovering gold is less than in the case of the reality show “Gold Rush Alaska”;

10. All eligible persons should apply–except Elves, who cannot be trusted.  In the end, what is asked of the successful applicant is “loyalty, honor, and a willing heart”:

“Loyalty, honor, a willing heart – The hobbit” in a video by thapetrificustotalus

P.S. And here is my Thorin triptych graphic again (first shared October 24, 2012, Post #295):