I put together my new office chair Thursday (at right, is a fairly good approximation of what I did, and it even looks like my chair). I feel proud–not the least of which is because I did it all by myself. The instructions were clear, the parts were well labeled, and no one tried to provide unsolicited advice. Granted, it took me a bit of time to get the hang of screwing the bolts in with the allen wrench, but after the 6th of 12 bolts, I was a pro.
After relating my chair victory via a tweet, my good friend Kitty (Thanks!) reply tweeted that one phrase she always finds amusing is:
Some assembly required … Translation: Lots of assembly required Anything from chairs to bicycles, to small cabinets (that is my next project), to shelving, etc. We are really spoiled with having many objects in our lives already assembled–clothing, chairs, cars, etc–such that when we do have to put something together, it may seem to be more daunting task than it really is. Ha!
And that phrase got me to thinking about the caveat like other phrases that we have in our daily lives–through warning labels and such. So here are a few more phrases you might recognize:
Refrigerate after opening … Translation: The food item was vacuum packed via mysterious gases to preserve it. But now that the food is exposed to oxygen, it will quickly deteriorate and spoil. Do you really want to eat something so likely to cause you food poisoning, or worse? Ha! Fresh is the only way to go!
Not for public use… Translation: Only special people get to use this–whatever this is, parking spot, bathroom, etc. Sometimes, they also threaten enforcement (right). And this is also a phrase where an unfortunate typo could wreak a mayhem of giggles.
No resale … Translation: Except at off market sites like garage sales, aka tag sales.
For external use only … Translation: Don’t put this inside your body anywhere.
Wet floor … Translation: If you fall, we warned you. But what is there to say that a person couldn’t fall on a dry but uneven floor?
Not responsible for accidents … Translation: If you fall, you can’t sue us, at all.
Avoid eye contact … Translation: This is not shy dating advice (right)–though phrased in this manner, one might take it as such. What they meant to say was Avoid Contact with Eyes. Such as, don’t put that cleaning fluid in your eyes.
Prolonged use may cause irritation … Translation: I’m not touching that one. Ha!
Not a significant source of other nutrients … Translation: It might be tasty, but it is not nutritious.
Excessive consumption may have a laxative effect … Translation: Define excessive. Two sugar-free candies? Really? Then why are you selling them by the bag? Are you in cahoots with the toilet paper industry?
Do not ingest … Translation: Our lawyers made us put that on the package of fish food to legally cover ourselves against idiots.
Objects in mirror are closer than they appear … Translation: That T-rex is going to be sitting in your lap soon. The side mirror scene in the film Jurassic Park was a classic humorous observation moment!
Of course, with heartthrobs such as the talented British actor Richard Armitage [(right after January 2014 Pinter-Proust Performance, via nycpat838,Thanks!)] , objects of our admiRAtion being closer than they appear would definitely be a good thing . Snap! Of course, my heart would flutter erratically and then my knees and ankles would probably buckle. So I would end up as a puddle of womanly essence at his feet. Ha!
So what warning labels do you find amusing?