Thorin Thursday: Middle Earth Meets Modern Day Quest Planning, April 18, 2013 Gratiana Lovelace (Post #399)

In our modern day world, how might Thorin Oakenshield 83-HobbitJapanPosterApr1813ranetassemble his team of associates for his quest in The Hobbit (right)?  He would probably place an online ad containing the following pertinent information.  *facetious alert for what follows*

WANTED:  Individuals for several open positions related to a Top Secret search and recovery mission, code named Erebor Quest.
(N.B. Top Secret is not to be confused with Victoria’s Secret.  The former is eyes only, whereas the latter has eyes bugging out of your  head–but wings are involved in both.)

Job Title:  Erebor Quest Associate (EQA)


EQA Position reports to:  Erebor Quest Leader (EQL, but there is definitely nothing sweet about this man) is Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, House of Durin in Exile;  and as portrayed by Richard Armitage, Thorin Oakenshield (right, with his weapon conveniently named) is one fiercely regal warrior king  (The Hobbit, who?);

EQA Job Qualifications:
1.  Ability to withstand harsh living conditions–the job entails living off the land for months, or even years at a time;  toileting issues abound requiring patience and squeezing; bathing is infrequent (being dirty and smelly are the norm, cliff, or frasier), except while rolling around in barrels in water rapids; food might be green and without meat or seasoning, but the  wine will have a fruity bouquet; bring your own sleeping sack for earthen conditions (watch out for trap doors in caves);

2.  Weapons Training–it is preferable that you bring your own weapon with you, UC2928-Orcrist-Sword-photo_smDec3112TORNPreciousUnitedCutlerysharpened of course, very likely named (the bigger, the better,  Kkhhh *cough*); Orcrist (right) , the Goblin cleaver is one such sword; but if you do not have a weapon, we might find something for you in a troll cave along the way;  and even letter openers (see below) can do some damage, even in the hands of an amateur (at least Bilbo did not rest on his took-us);

“Letter Opener” – The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey – Available March 19 in a video by WarnerBrosOnline

3.  Uniform–leather, fur, velvet, and chain mail from the House of Durin are the current mode; don’t forget your handkerchief, there is not a traveling market place  in the wilderness for necessities; a modicum of undergarments are preferred at all times since leather chafes; yet you should take care to wear moria than just undergarments if you don’t want to be left in a dark cave riddled with insects (among other things); if you wear shoes, heavy steel tipped boots are suggested (because they make you look bad-ass, rather than Dopey); a moria battle ready looking group of guys (below) you will not find:


4. Personal Appearance Grooming–hair and makeup for the metro-sexual EQA that typically requires two to three hours and a personal assistant to achieve your look, will not be frowned up;  in fact, with forehead and beard prosthetics, it may be difficult to frown without motion capture and CGI adding them in; hair and beard adornments  and accessories may include bands, bangles, beads, braids, embedded axe head, hearing horns, and hats;  for hair and beard curl and wave styling, hair dryers, hot rollers, and curling irons will be needed (you will need solar powered devices since electrical plug in stations are few and far between, unless a wizard is around to provide some juice); hair is preferred on all skin surfaces, you need not wax;

5.  Overall Health and Fitness–Anything goes as long as you can run back and forth 33-ThorinandCompany-USATodayApr1813ranetCropbetween two rock outcroppings (right) like an Orc with its head cut off, slide down a dirt shoot like a pinball, and not injure your back if furniture breaks underneath you; agility in washing dishes is a plus (perhaps some juggling skills would be pertinent, so circus experience is a plus); you should have your shots (of ale before you stupidly sign the quest contract, below) and your tubes cleaned out in the end (it is the Moviprep that gets you on that one);  if you smoke, we won’t ask and won’t tell what it is you are smoking (but mushrooms are plentiful in the Green Woods); you should not be allergic to ponies, yak hair, and talc powder (keep your mouth closed when assisting hoof and boot removals, don’t ask);

“Give Him The Contract” – The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey – Available March 19” in a video by WarnerBrosOnline

6.  Temperament–Play follow the leader on this one; if Thorin is having a bad day (right), CompanyofDwarves-10ThorinChidingKili&FiliApr1813ranetCropBrtso is everyone else; and when the man wants to do karaoke, you hum along gamefully;  and when Thorin isn’t with you, you can switch over to drinking songs while you toss your host’s crockery around; it also helps to have a magic ring that can make you invisible to sneak up on your colleagues (but then, you are likely to find out what they really think about you);  be sure to have your reason for wanting this position thought out ahead of time in case you are asked “Why did you come?” on this quest;

7.  Survival Experience–On our journey we will come across, Spiders, Wargs, Orcs, Trolls, and all manner of beasts (including a dragon) and other nefarious species (Elves); there is a White Council elected at large (with hanging chad tatums, no doubt), and therefore they are responsible to no one but their flat iron stylist;  you should also have an insurance policy for unexpected outcomes in case you will not be under your own steam to get there and back again, urn not included (see contract video above again);

Special Concerns:
Do not be alarmed if there is a ringer in your group named Gandalf the Gray (right, Wu5AcGandalf3DgifJan0613imgurcomcourtesy of who often leaves in a huff (afterall, he is well over 70, er, make that well over 700 years old after all) only returning there and back again in the nick of time to save the day with a rim shot, boulder break, flame out (no comment) in the goblin cave, and a butterfly message to the eagles (not to be confused with Don Henly and the Eagles singing Hotel California, the music is definitely witchy, so Gandalf will probably like it);

Remuneration and Compensation:
1/x (with x defined as the number of EQA Dwarfonnel plus one (with the  “plus one” in the person of Thorin Oakenshield, and it is not to be confused with invitation etiquette, guests are not wanted, at least by Bilbo, except when he has met them first); there is the possibility of claim jumpers from Laketown and Rivendale; leakage (in terms of the ten finger discount, not the running out of patience and can’t squeeze anymore kind) is also possible when precious gems and arkenstones are involved;  the chance of actually finding and recovering gold is less than in the case of the reality show “Gold Rush Alaska”;

10. All eligible persons should apply–except Elves, who cannot be trusted.  In the end, what is asked of the successful applicant is “loyalty, honor, and a willing heart”:

“Loyalty, honor, a willing heart – The hobbit” in a video by thapetrificustotalus

P.S. And here is my Thorin triptych graphic again (first shared October 24, 2012, Post #295):


About Gratiana Lovelace

Gratiana Lovelace is my nom de plume for my creative writing and blogging. I write romantic stories in different sub genres. The stories just tumble out of me. My resurgence in creative writing occurred when I viewed the BBC miniseries of Elizabeth Gaskell's novel North & South in February 2010. The exquisitely talented British actor portraying the male lead John Thornton in North & South--Richard Crispin Armitage--became my unofficial muse. I have written over 50 script stories about love--some are fan fiction, but most are original stories--that I am just beginning to share with others on private writer sites, and here on my blog. And as you know, my blog here is also relatively new--since August 2011. But, I'm having fun and I hope you enjoy reading my blog essays and my stories. Cheers! Grati ;-> upd 12/18/11
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14 Responses to Thorin Thursday: Middle Earth Meets Modern Day Quest Planning, April 18, 2013 Gratiana Lovelace (Post #399)

  1. Kitty says:

    I’m skipping all the questionable criteria and throwing myself in with loyalty, honor and a willing heart. I’m absolutely positive that Thorin is a king I could follow. Sighhhhhhhhh


  2. katie70 says:

    Thank you for the laughs, I really needed them today. The weather here in the north is awful, rain, freezing rain, sleet, and snow. When do we get spring, I don’t have a clue. Thanks to Richard and cheering me up. Great post Grati.


    • Hi Katie70,
      Thanks for your kind note! I’m glad to oblige with the humor–it is my default position. Ha!
      We have been very rainy in the Midwest–4 inches so far! But at least no snow. Hang in there.
      And Richard Armitage is the ultimate in “mood elevator” theRApy!
      Wait a minute! Didn’t RA say that he sung Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator” in the shower? See below. Ha!
      Cheers! Grati ;->
      P.S. Here is that video:


      • Giggles! I just watched this video–all the way through. Ha!

        I was trying to picture the calm and poised Richard Armitage rocking out like Steven Tyler does in the video. I could see it. Of course we have this photo of RA from several years ago as “proof” that he can get down and rock out:

        Who knows? Maybe RA has a “raucous”, naughty, and rocking dude side to him that doesn’t get expressed much–at least not in the public arena.

        So as I crank up the volume on one of the peppy RA character videos in my favorites list and dance around my living room to it shaking my booty, I issue an open invitation for Mr. A to join me on the dance floor. Ha!

        Cheers! Grati ;->


        • katie70 says:

          I bet he was a lot of fun to be around as a teen. Since he is a year younger and my class in high school was a year younger ( 2 years in kindergarten for me) I can relate to him quite a bit. I would think that he still is a lot of fun to be around.
          As for dancing this girl has never danced in public. I sort of did at home with the boys when they where little. But Mr. A can come and teach me anytime. I think that I can but never had the courage to.


          • Hi Katie70,
            I have never danced “in public”, either. Ha! Except for going out dancing when I was in college. It was great! We were a bunch of friends all on our college speech team. And even though we had fewer men than women in our friends group, the guys all made sure to dance with all of us gals–no one was left out.

            I’m guessing that RA is a lot of fun to be around these days. I love his shy, wry, witty, and sometimes giggly senses of humor that he displays in interviews. Naming his weapon, anyone? Ha!
            Cheers! Grati ;->

            P.S. In fact, let’s see that fun interview excerpt again:

            “This Morning UK TV Interview with Hobbit Cast December 13, 2012 YouTube 1” in a video by Julie Domingo


          • katie70 says:

            RA is so cheeky. But you got to love it.


          • Hi Katie70, Yes we do! Ha! Cheers! Grati ;->


  3. katie70 says:

    Thank You for the cheering up. I watched “Love in an Elevator” last night but it was late so I am back today. I am at home today as we have no school, 4 inches of snow (that is nothing) but with a 1/2 inch or so of sleet. It’s April 19th and no sight of spring. I just wish the north part of the Midwest would get spring soon. So I watch it again this morning to cheer me up again as I sit and look at this snow. I am going out to get my hair done this afternoon and I know that will help, my bangs are in my eyes and I can’t stand it when they are.


    • Giggles Katie70,
      Glad to aid in providing cheer! The image of RA singing in the shower is priceless! Ha! Of course, if only half of that image were conjured up, the world’s women would be swooning.Sighhhh! I’ll let you figure out which half. Ha! *wink*

      And I think your mention of snow is having its affect in the longitudinal middle of the Midwest. We are experiencing snow flurries even as I type–but the temp is in the low forties. It makes me wonder if Dori found a way to get Gandalf to fix the weather in Middle Earth, but now the Middle West has quirky weather.
      Oh and, good luck with the bangs. I just took some scissors to mine yesterday. Ha!
      Cheers! Grati ;->


      • katie70 says:

        After watching “Love in an Elevator” a few times today and taking a trip back to my high school days, I was singing in my head (that is how I sing, I have not sang in public since high school) “Love in an Elevator” in the bath. Now how funny is that, I didn’t even realize for a bit. My thoughts where all over the place after that.
        This weather thing is so crazy, tonight we are to go as low as 10, and maybe more snow next week. The children don’t even want snow anymore. Maybe we will have sun tomorrow.
        The haircut when good, I only had my bangs trimmed up so that there no longer in my eyes. I also got my hair colored too. I have a semi- permanent color that is the shade of my eyebrows which are a shade darker than my hair. I am not ready to go to a permanent color yet as I still like hair color just not the gray. It is a darker brown color. I also had it flat ironed, it is nice to loss the wavy-curly hair for a couple days.


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